So, back in the saddle again. Back to work, back to life, back to charting, back to working out…the usual post-holiday reality check. So if you read the boards you know the outcome of last cycle, but if you don’t read the boards you probably also know because obviously I did not post any good news. So there you have it. CD 9 of Cycle #6.
I went headlong into Thanksgiving thinking that it was either going to be the best Thanksgiving ever, or the worst. Obviously if I had gotten a BFP it would have been the best ever, but the BFN/AF arrival was not the crisis situation I was expecting. Sure, I cried a little. Certainly I was upset. But I wasn’t miserable. I functioned. Even when someone sitting at the breakfast table with us one morning was talking to everyone about how it’s probably not that big a deal to drink a glass of wine during the first trimester because “if anything goes wrong the baby will just abort itself anyway…” Yeah. Even then I held it together.
And you know what? Everything was actually okay. I smiled and enjoyed myself and talked to everyone I hadn’t seen in a while and played games and laughed until I cried. I ate and drank and had a glorious massage and pedicure and read and slept and ate and drank some more. I was fine. Hallelujah praise heaven I was actually, really truly okay.
I found out yesterday that a colleague of mine is pregnant. I think this is the true test of how together I really am. It did not upset me in the least. I was really, genuinely happy for her! My other colleague (who knows what I’ve been going through these past months) asked me afterwards if I was okay – and I was happy to say that yes, I was fine. Not even a twinge of jealousy or bitterness. So, the only conclusions to draw here are either #1 – I’m delusional, or #2 – I’m really sort of at peace.
Could it be true? Could I actually be at peace with this whole process? I’m not so sure. I think that what’s going on is that, although I HATE the process and it makes me a crazy person most of the time, if I stop and take a snapshot of where I am right now in this moment – I’m actually okay. If I don’t think about the past or the future and I just focus on the moment, it’s all fine. It is what it is. I’ve learned that no matter how much I chart or fret or analyze or google symtoms, that I’m still going to be right here in this moment and that’s all I can be. I have no control over it. That was a weird realization – the fact that I really have no control. The chart, while it has it’s moments of helpfulness, on the whole tells me nothing really. No amount of tweaking the chart or staring at it will change what’s actually happening in there. My body is going to do what it’s going to do and as much as I’d like to think my chart is my crystal cycle ball, it isn’t. I either ovulated or I didn’t. I’m either pregnant or I’m not. There are things going on in my body that defy analysis, and for all our scientific knowledge about it – it’s really still sort of mystic.
So I guess the point here is that right now, in this moment, I’m not falling apart. I never dreamed I’d be in this place, that it would take this long to get pregnant, but I’m somehow accepting it slowly. It is the path that I have to walk. And I will survive this.