So, not much to report right now. It’s the ever-loving waiting period again. I have an OB appointment on the 18th to discuss the chemical pregnancy and what that means for me going forward. As far as I can tell from what I’ve read, they do not recommend waiting before you can TTC again, so that’s good news. Not that it matters because the post miscarriage cycle has come and gone (as unexpected and short lived as it was). How it is humanly possible to bleed for 14 out of 27 days is still beyond me, but what the hell ever.
I’m mentally not okay. I’m not in pieces or anything, but I’m not what I’d call playing with a full deck if you know what I mean. I was really messed up for a few days last week, when the whole reality of what’s happened hit me and I realized that the future was even more uncertain than I thought it was. In the bottom of my heart I knew that in the end everything was going to be okay, but I couldn’t shake the sadness or the tears. I’ve lost the innocence. If I ever do finally get pregnant, I know that I will never be able to be the kind of excited and gung-ho about it that I think I would have been if I’d never had a m/c or known I was pregnant. I will always be cautious, I will always be a tiny bit afraid that I’m going to lose it, and I’ll always worry that something might go wrong. And that scares me. I don’t want to get pregnant and expect the worst. I want to be happy and excited and hopeful and not expect anything but the best! I don’t want the idea of something bad happening to even cross my mind. But I don’t think that can be avoided at this point. I’ll always be painfully aware that any pregnancy I might achieve is not necessarily as enduring as I might have always been led to believe.
I feel guilty saying that, kind of. I know there are some that have endured way worse situations with their pregnancies than I have. I feel like I’m not justified in my sadness and fear; I feel like I am unworthy of comfort and support because what I experienced was, comparatively speaking, not that bad. If I hadn’t been charting I would never have known I was pregnant. I experienced something that is such a blip on the pregnancy radar that I’m sure there are doctors who wouldn’t even classify it as having been real. That scares the shit out of me, honestly. Maybe I’m overdramatizing it, maybe I’m crazy, but something happened to me. And I’m not the same.
I don’t know which I’m more scared of – going to the doc and her telling me that a chemical pregnancy isn’t that big a deal (it’s practically not real!) and that I should shut my trap and get on with life, or that a chemical pregnancy is a big deal and I should probably seek some sort of professional help and maybe some anti-anxiety meds, and oh by the way your body is all jacked up now so you can forget about getting pregnant ever. Rationally of course I know this will not happen. I’m fine physically I think, now that I’ve gotten through a post m/c cycle and halfway through another I am pretty sure I’m leveling out now. But even if everything is physically okay, what now? Just go about life as if nothing happened? Honestly, I think I’m starting to wish that I’d never known. Maybe I’d still have the hopeful innocence I would give my right arm for now.