Cruel joke (or, Welcome to Denial-ville, population 1)

“Spotting at this point in your cycle is likely to be implantation spotting and could indicate that you are pregnant…”

So said TCOYF software.  Which got me all excited, of course.  Only to realize today that the spotting was my body’s idea of a CRUEL JOKE because AF arrived in full force, at CD 27, a whole 4-5 days early and shortening my LP to barely 10 days.  That NEVER happens to me, ever.  I’m always 29-32 days.  This is ridiculous.

I was doing SO well this month.  I wasn’t anxious or obsessive or anything.  I was ready to test when it was a good time to test, not early like the last few times.  Ad even though my temps were all kinds of wacky, particularly low and extremely unusual for me, I still had hope.  Hell, I even BANKED on the fact that the temps were crazy – it meant something was different about this cycle!  Our anniversary was right around O date; we thought, wouldn’t it be just too perfect if we conceived on our 2nd year anniversary? And then, lo – there was spotting.  Like some miracle sign from heaven saying that hey, just when you thought it wasn’t going to happen, it’s happening!  Because there was NO WAY spotting at CD 26 was even possible unless it was implantation spotting! 

W-R-O-N-G.

It was this morning that I realized I’ve reached a new level of insanity in TTC – Denial.  Do I get a badge now? Maybe a pin or something?

I was in complete denial about what this crazy cycle meant.  Even though those temps were so low (more on this in a minute) and it barely looked like I even had a thermal shift to confirm ovulation, and FF and TCOYF were in serious confusion about my O date, and the spotting was too heavy to really be implantation spotting… in spite of all this I was still hopeful.  I’m such a sucker.

In related news, I should say that I have confirmation about what I’d feared happened last cycle.  I did indeed have a chemical pregnancy.  I hate this term.  I hate it because it makes it sound like it was some kind of figment of my imagination or a false positive for something that was never there to begin with.  I don’t know why they call it this, when in fact it is actually an early miscarriage.  Not that that term is any better, but at least it acknowledges the fact that there indeed was an embryo.  I need the acknowledgement that I was pregnant. I need to feel like there was something there.  Even if it did not last.  I don’t know why it makes dealing with it easier than just pretending that it didn’t happen or that I wasn’t pregnant at all, but somehow it does make it easier.

Anyway, this explains the crazy temps and the WAY early period.  Even though i didn’t want to believe that.

I don’t want to do anything today.  I want to go upstairs to the media room and watch old episodes of Melrose Place and forget the last month ever happened.  Oddly, I don’t even want to cry.

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4 thoughts on “Cruel joke (or, Welcome to Denial-ville, population 1)

  1. CJ – so sucky. I’m so sorry. I’m glad that you are finding some solace, in your own way, and think that you totally deserve a day off! I’ll be thinking about you this month–hope it’s the one!

  2. I am so sorry hon. 😦 If you need anything at all, please let me know. I agree with you about the terminology. It can be so cruel. I hate that you are having to go through this. And bring on those Melrose Place episodes. You certainly deserve them.

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