******Disclaimer: This post may not make any sense at all, and for that I beg your forgiveness.*******
So. Things are really confusing right now.
For one, my emotions are all over the place. I’m like that Katy Perry song – up, down, in, out, hot, cold…But that may be a side effect of alcohol. That 1.5 L “convenience bottle” of wine just barely got us through the weekend, and the self-imposed alcohol restriction lasted ohhh…all of 3 days. This post might also be a side effect of alcohol.
For another, I can’t fucking eat anything. Everything fucks me up. Unless I eat cardboard. That might be okay. (Except for the chemicals involved in the manufacturing process – something tells me those aren’t good for me either.) Basically I can’t have dairy because it jacks my digestive system up, I can’t have soy because it jacks my estrogen/FSH up, and I already knew I had intolerance to anything sugary or non-whole-grain, so pretty much my choices are broccoli, lettuce, and water. Oh joy. Now what the hell am I supposed to put on my cereal in the morning? If they tell me to use wine instead, I’m all over that like white on rice. Except, oh – I can’t eat rice either. Fuckety fuck.
Lastly, it has been postulated that I may have actually had a very very early miscarriage last cycle. I won’t get into the ins and outs of it all, because it’s really just a theory, but the more I think about it and the more I talk about it to those “in the know” about it, the more convinced I am that this is what happened.
Let me first say that I am not really that upset with the idea that it may have been a m/c. I know it happens a lot more than the general population thinks, and I know that if it did happen that it happened for a good biological reason. So I don’t really feel like I’ve experienced a loss. (At least, this is what I tell myself. Perhaps because there’s really no way to confirm the theory at this point, so I prefer to think of it as not that big of a deal if in fact it did happen.) Secondly, if indeed the theory is correct and we did concieve, then that is good news because it means we can get pregnant! Not that I was worried about this (much….), but it’s always nice to know that it IS possible and that I’m not broken. (Again, this “analysis” is all based on nothing but pure speculation, but run with me here….)
In other news, Mr. K’s cousin is pregnant. This is GREAT NEWS, first of all. They have been trying for a while and we are super super excited for them! On the other hand, I can’t help but to feel a little bit like I’ve been beat to the punch. I’ve always felt like we’d have the first grandkid/great grandkid. I know that is WAY selfish of me, but I feel like our thunder has been stolen just a little. I need to get over it, I know this. And I will get over it….it’s just after the events of last cycle and feeling like we were so close…. just a bit of a pang of disappointment. That’s all.
But!! Right now I have hope for this cycle. I’m correcting a few dietary things that I think will help. I am back to my active lifestyle and that will help. I’m surrounded by supportive, strong, positive people, and that is always good. I have changed my focus to enjoying and TRUSTING THE PROCESS more, which must help.
I talked to my dear friend Des this evening, and as we were chatting about what kinds of changes I need to make in my life and attitude this cycle. I mentioned that I think every time we do the deed outside my fertile window that it’s a waste…and I fear that I have started to think of sex as purely the means to an end, and that I am realizing I need to change this. She understood how I felt (cuz she’s just awesome like that), and said that while it’s easy to fall into that trap, that I need to internalize the fact that sex for non-procreation purposes is NOT a waste. “It’s not like you’re eating the last cookie in the house,” she said. “It’s not like you’re never gonna have another cookie ever again in your life. In this case, there will always be more cookies.”
So true, Des. So with that, I say adieu. I’m off to enjoy my cookies.